TEXERSIZE (1984) The youngest of the Mandrell sisters dives in to country-themed 80s exercise hysteria.

TexersizeTheme Song: In addition to this videocassette, there was a Texersize double album released.  I’ve never heard the album because it’s not on the internet and I’m done wasting money buying stuff for this go-nowhere website that drains all my time and nobody ever considers donating even a few dollars to.  

I’m like a failed archeologist who can’t get a grant and wastes all his time digging up garbage that only interests two people.

Only it’s worse than garbage, it’s total shit.  

Interesting Dated References: The lesser-known members of celebrity families and their creative attempts to usurp their siblings.

Best Line: Our host Irlene Mandrell has the voice of a child.  It’s disturbing.  Some men find that sexy; these men are not to be trusted.

Social Context: If you have someone in your family who is old and has questionable taste, they can probably tell you all about the lovely Mandrell sisters of Texas.  

Beginning in the mid-70 through mid-80s, the elder sister, Barbara, had a string of top country music hits.  

The middle sister, Louise, followed that lead and also had a successful singing career.  

The youngest sister, Irlene, must have recognized that the charts were overly saturated with her siblings, and instead decided to focus on acting, modeling, and 80s exercise hysteria.

Texersize

Summary:  Irlene starts off by letting us know a little bit about her busy schedule and why her Texersize fitness plan is the best.  She makes sure to say, “Texersize,” numerous times so we don’t get confused.

Texersize

Look at that giant mane.  Her hair, head, and mouth are disproportionately large compared to her small body.  It’s disturbing on a level that cannot be explained.  Her bouffant makes up more than two-thirds of her cranial mass.  If you were a depressed community college art teacher and Irlene was a drawing by some unoriginal art student, once he returned from his cigarette break you would tell him his proportions are all off.

Texersize

The workout is a little ridiculous.  Irlene walks you through several original moves, such as “Country Jog,” “Saddlebag Stomp,” and “Thighs of Texas.”  It’s pretty high energy with lots of bouncing around and jogging in place and general spastic shaking. It may just be the contrast on the tape, but it seems part of her pubic mound may be escaping from the leotard. 

Texersize

Throughout most of the workout, Irlene hoots and hollers and throws her giant hair all over the place until you fear her head might break off her body.

Texersize

One of the people getting Texersized is veteran Texan actor Marco Perella.  Texersize predates his first IMDB credit by one year, which makes this one of his first jobs.  

Texersize

Much of the music is made up of a cheesy cover of “Deep In The Heart of Texas,” with random exercise lyrics thrown in.  I’m not sure how they dragged that out to two LP’s-worth of content.

Texersize

And certainly not to be overlooked, Irlene leads the workout group in the “Texas Hustle,” which is really just the hustle with someone playing shitty banjo.  Then there’s a cool down and everything ends.  There’s a screen credit for the company that provided the water.

Texersize

Irlene now spends her time hunting and making appearances at gun shows, all while trying to jump start the careers of her own daughters.  Her head of hair now appears to be normal-sized.

Poster and Box Art:  Considering this is a pretty tame workout video, the box art sure makes it look like some kind of super-erotic stripping video.

Texersize


The companion album (sold separately) is less erotic stripping and more all-american.  It’s curious that the album and videocassette don’t really look connected.  Assuming the album came first (based on its 1983 publication date), they must have been disappointed with sales and tried to sex-up the video a bit.  Upon further examination, we’ve got some bad pre-Photoshop airbrushing going on here.

Texersize

Basically from her elbows down, this is a totally fabricated photo.  My main evidence is the oddly smooth crotch and thigh area.  Clearly the original photo was such that Irlene was pulling down her low cut t-shirt with her hands, revealing a lot of cleavage.  The hands then converged in the genital area, stretching said shirt.  This type of photo was popular on sexy posters in the 80s.  My guess is they threw the jump rope in her hand to make it relevant to Texersize.  

Availability: Used copies can be found on eBay, or, you can just watch the first five minutes via YouTube and get the gist.

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