“The Big One” by Alan Tew. The majority of the stock music used in Teen Lust was composed by Alan Tew, and included in this movie is his song “The Big One,” which would be renamed years later “The Big One (People’s Court Theme).” To say the least, this was a little bit disorienting.
Interesting Dated References: Boobs, promiscuity, James Hong’s career in film directing.
Best Line: “I keep having dreams where I’m being raped, not just by men…”
Social Context: As I always say, 70s boob-sploitation has no social relevance whatsoever, although I suppose one could look at a boob-sploitation circa 1979 and compare it to one from 2006 and thereby draw specific parallels about how society is crumbling and why the world sucks now.
Summary: Teen Lust was directed by James Hong, who you may remember from every single sitcom you’ve ever watched since as early as you can remember watching sitcoms. He’s was in Chinatown for those who are familiar with that film. You must have seen this guy a million times in your life, but something you didn’t know about James Hong is that in 1979 he directed the little-known teen sex comedy Teen Lust. This should be exciting, not only because it’s boob-sploitation, but because this movie has been marketed under so many different titles it’s bound to be a mess.
And the mess begins as such: A bunch of teenage girls, who look like they are 30, join the Police Explorers program for the summer. It looks like our main girl is going to be Kirsten Baker who is most famous for her nudity in Friday The 13th Part II. Her name is Carol and I think her friend’s name is Neely. Their first assignment is to demonstrate the heimlich maneuver in front of some old people. Back in some garage, Carol’s boyfriend Terry makes out with some chick named DeDe while some guy named Hotrod watches. Sticking with me? Don’t worry, it’s not important.
Terry shoves DeDe in a trunk and then takes Carol and her friend for a ride. Eventually they let her out and then the girls harass her about the contents of her purse, which include:
Contraceptive Foam. For some reason it gets a close-up shot. Although the budget for this seems really low, it doesn’t seem quite as low as Incoming Freshmen, but not quite as much as Cherry Hill High. So Carol goes home, talks to her drunken mom who started a mattress on fire, talks to the “special needs” kid from down the block, and sets a table for dinner.
It’s common knowledge dark woodgrain and gold do not go with blue and light blue. The main performer of note here is Carol’s dad who is played by Stan Kamber, who didn’t really do anything else I recognize, but I swear somehow he looks familiar.
Okay, so Neely starts banging her police instructor while Carol just flirts with her instructor. There are a few other characters bumbling around, but it’s nothing worth mentioning. Somewhere else in here, Terry and Hotrod sneak into Carol’s house dressed as women and they proceed to party. Then there’s a bunch of cuddling under a pretty disorienting blanket:
More boobs, more stupid pratfalls, more puns, and more hilarious misunderstandings.
Hotrod and Neely buy weed from a 5 year old kid. Things get really surreal when Carol and Terry are making out in a car that a bunch of little kids attack:
Note how Carol looks around all confused when the theme to The People’s Court starts playing. Carol goes on to talk to her preacher, fight with her mom, and run a prostitution sting.
I don’t know what kind of car this is but it’s pretty sweet and is driven by one of the johns who try to pick her up during the prostitution sting. After a while, Carol agrees to get married to the “special needs” kid who has a million dollars and the wedding turns into some type of slapstick romp in which the cops steal Carol, everyone is sprayed with champagne, and Hotrod and Neely get together.
Poster and Box Art: Teen Lust was marketed under no less than 6 different names. I figured I’d at least be able to track down a few of them but all I was able to find was the following.
An excellent poster, but it certainly looks exactly like many of the adult film posters of the late 70s. And as with most of these posters, the chicks pictured aren’t even in the movie. I still like it though. It’s got that certain something.
Now here’s where things get really interesting, at the top of this post I showed the Teen Lust Betamax box cover from when it was issued on home video (1985). Below is the original poster from when it was released in 1979:
You’re probably thinking to yourself, “Okay, they look similar, but one is in color and one is in black and white.” Sure, I’ll give you that, but I’m talking about something much deeper here. These two pieces of art encompass everything that went wrong in the world between 1979 and 1985. The seventies were the creative and aesthetic peak of society. By 1985 things had started to go to shit and here in front of us we have proof. As I review the differences, think about how someone had to make a decision to change these things. Someone said, “Let’s make it shittier and not as good.”
First off, the font choice. In the 70s, when you needed a logo you hired an artist to use his actual hands to design one. It was called drawing letterforms, and it’s flown the damn coop. I’m not talking about type that looks “quirky” and hand-drawn, I’m talking about type that is done by hand, smooth, and custom. Look at the subtle difference in the E’s on the 1979 version.
Next up, let’s talk about technique. The 1979 version is done with paint, which requires time and skill. The result is detail and texture. By 1985, every asshole with a garage was airbrushing for their friends. There’s only like five people in the world who are really good at the airbrush, and one of them wasn’t the guy who did this cover. Bland, textureless, terrible. Enough about craftsmanship, let’s take a look at what went wrong with society:
Look at how much better hair was in 1979. Flowing, soft, and most of all, fairly natural. By 1985 it’s perm central bullshit. The girl has the same hairstyle as a 65-year-old women. Way to go 1985.
Clearly the 70s were a time of aesthetic and natural beauty. Women were encouraged to be themselves, and breast shapes of all sizes were encouraged. It was great. 70s chicks are all hot because they are all different. As you can see, our 1985 lady has quite the fuller chest. Somewhere along the way a bunch of people decided giant fucking floppy big boobs were the thing.
Furthermore, in addition to society’s fixation with giant boobs, the sense of style went right down the fucking toilet. Short shorts are where it was at and always will be. Hey 1985, no one wants a tight piece of spandex severing a buttcheek in half. 1985, you should be ashamed. 1979, looking good as always. All sense of style, aesthetic, and natural warmth disappeared from the world sometime in the early 80s, and this is the artwork that proves it.
Availability: Used VHS on eBay.